Episode 78 – Ideas for IPs (Intended Parents) in waiting

This series of episodes springs from my work with SASS (Surrogacy Australia’s Support Service). When Intended Parents (IPs) have completed their profile and are in the pool of IPs waiting to connect with a surrogate, I do monthly check-ins to make sure they’re still active and waiting. I like to give some guidance and support along the way because the waiting game can be hard.

This series of episodes are designed as though they are a letter to the waiting IPs.

Waiting brings a mixture of emotions. It is a sort of helpless feeling that there isn’t much you can do to progress your Profile. This is the way altruistic surrogacy works in Australia, as opposed to the commercial models overseas where more surrogates are recruited as there is financial compensation. Often in our lives, in terms of our employment, hobbies etc, if we set our mind and energy to a task, we are in control and can get the job done. In terms of fertility and surrogacy, there is an unfairness here as it is not something you can control.

In terms of doing something which might give you a sense of control, I encourage you to become active in terms of supporting others in the surrogacy community. Being active can take the form in many different ways, so I’ll outline a few and maybe one idea might sit right with you.

Being active by no means guarantees you’ll meet the right surrogate for you, however it certainly isn’t a waste of time and energy. This might take the form of supporting others who are in the same situation as you by joining a surrogacy facebook. There are state based surrogacy groups, the large group ASC (Australian Surrogacy Community) and a newer, smaller, very positive and supportive group called Australian Surrogacy and Donor Week.

This serves two purposes. One, it allows you to practise investing time into surrogacy. Eventually when you have matched with a surrogate, you will be investing time into building a relationship with her and her family. Getting to know each other, text messages, phone calls, video calls, in person catch ups, meeting her children etc. That will take an enormous amount of time to build that new relationship and clearly it will be worth it for the surrogacy journey you will go on together. Until that point, you could invest time into supporting other IPs who are playing the same waiting game as you. You might even have an in person catch up with some of those IPs to create your own network of supporters for surrogacy. A chance to chat to other IPs who just ‘get’ what you’re going through and therefore normalise the process somewhat. There are also experienced surrogates in the community who might not be a ‘match’ for you, however they can share their wisdom, friendship, insights into what surrogates are looking for etc. Hopefully you’d agree that if you can establish a network of supporters in this community, both IPs and surrogates, it is a good investment of your time.

The second purpose is to imagine what potential surrogates are looking for and where they go to find IPs. When our SASS surrogates are given some IP profiles to look through, they might be keen to know a little bit more about their potential IPs before they decide which couple to get to know. In my experience, potential surrogates do a variety of things at this point.

Sometimes the surrogates look through the facebook groups. This way they can see their potential IPs interacting with others and supporting other people along the way, even if other people are moving forward in their journey to parenthood faster than themselves. This shows that they’re not ‘putting on a mask’….as genuine, constant support is not something that can be faked easily. Of course the world of facebook is not for everyone. Sometimes they attend local catch ups to see which IPs are present in the community. To see which IPs are there supporting other people and are interested in building genuine friendships with a variety of people in the community, not just IPs looking for an available uterus on legs. Sometimes they ask their fellow Surro Sisters for recommendations. If the potential surrogate hasn’t had the chance to meet these potential IPs in person at one of the local catch ups, but one of the other surrogates has, then it’s almost like a background check for those IPs.

I would encourage you to consider being more active in ways that work for you. That might either be in terms of being active on facebook, or in terms of attending (or organising and hosting) a local catch up.

Surrogacy Australia runs monthly Zoom Catch Ups one friday of each month. Head to our website for dates and links. This is a great way to connect with your fellow IPs and surrogates from across Australia. There is only ever one first time, so be brave and dive into the community.
We also have an instagram account (@surrogacyaustralia) and a facebook Page which I invite you to follow.

The more we’re all talking about surrogacy, both as IPs and surrogates, the more we normalise it as a way of having a family, and the more surrogates who step forward to consider it. You could share one of these podcast episodes with your friends or family, or more publicly. Even just being brave and talking to people in person about surrogacy will help to spread the word. There are also the free webinars I run which you can attend and then talk to people in person about what you’ve learnt.

The waiting game is hard so I encourage you to stay as positive as possible. Make sure you’re taking care of yourselves mentally and physically as this can be quite a draining experience when you don’t have much control over the outcome. Focus on what you can control rather than those things you cannot. I hope this episode has given you some ideas about some action items you can control.

If you’re looking for more guidance on how to navigate surrogacy in Australia, please check out SASS (Surrogacy Australia’s Support Service) so you can have me as your navigation tool on this journey. If you are finding these discussions useful, I would love it if you could leave a review wherever you listen to this show, and you can find more information at surrogacyaustralia.org Until next time – welcome to the village.