Episode 90 – Ideas for IPs (Intended Parents) in waiting

This series of episodes springs from my work with SASS, Surrogacy Australia’s support service. When intended parents, IPs, have completed their profile and are in the pool of IPs waiting to connect with a surrogate, I do monthly check-ins to make sure they’re still active and waiting. I like to give some guidance and support along the way because the waiting game can be hard. This series of episodes is designed as though they are a letter to the waiting IPs.

00:34
In this episode I mentioned something called a list of expenses and you can find that on our website with the same name. The waiting game can be hard. I imagine that it would be easier to wait if you knew how long the wait would be until a surrogate chooses your profile. That way, even if it was 12 months, you would know how to pace out your energy and expectations. Alas, with altruistic surrogacy in Australia, the wait times are unknown. What we do know from years of collective experience within our community.

01:03
is that those IPs who are active and genuine do tend to find their match. This doesn’t mean that you need to go over the top and be totally extroverted, rather try to attend an in-person catch-up and meet other IPs, experienced surrogates, and potentially a new surrogate. For some of those catch-ups, check out Surrogacy Australia as we run our Zoom monthly catch-ups. Head to our website for dates and registration links. This is a great way to connect with your fellow IPs and surrogates from across Australia.

01:32
We also have an Instagram account at Surrogacy Australia and a Facebook page which I invite you to follow. Being active in regards to surrogacy also means bringing surrogacy up in conversation with your own networks, be that work colleagues, friends, family, barbecue catch-ups, et cetera. Discussing surrogacy can be a sensitive matter for some and we appreciate that this is not an option for everyone. Some IPs prefer to keep this journey private in the early days before they have news to announce and that is absolutely fine.

02:00
I like to say we change the world one conversation at a time. So even if there is one person in your life you feel comfortable sharing this new journey with, I encourage you to be brave and vulnerable and talk about it. They will become your supporters in the future, and we all need an army of love and support around us for this epic journey of surrogacy. SASS surrogates complete an expenses calculator as part of their application process. They go through it with their mentor and then me.

02:29
When a surrogate has chosen your profile, you then get sent her two profiles, the expectations and written ones, and her expenses calculator. You have a chance to see if she might be the right fit for you and your family, as well as seeing what her estimated expenses might be. If covering her particular estimated loss of wages, for example, is financially not viable for you,

02:52
as well as any other parts of her expectations that might not align with yours, then you have the opportunity to decline that surrogate. And yes, I have had that happen in SASS. SASS is here to support the interests of both surrogates and IPs. This calculator is a way of checking that surrogates are genuine with the estimation of their expenses and going through this with a mentor helps them to discuss that. This is one way at SASS of being able to discern if there is a surrogate who has applied for the wrong reasons.

03:21
Occasionally this happens in Australia where a surrogate wants to inflate her expenses, maybe ask for a holiday at the end of the pregnancy or something like that. At SASS we want to protect and support all parties so this expenses calculator and the discussions that are had around that are the valuable parts for both surrogates and IPs. There is a link to a page on our website where you can find a summary of the calculator called a list of expenses. The more detailed expenses calculator

03:48
with example costs and expected ranges is provided to SASS teams who are part of stage two journey support. I hope this is useful for you to consider what costs your surrogate might have for a smooth journey, but also to consider how fast expenses can expand if multiple embryo transfers are needed or interstate travel and accommodation. Birth photography is one expense that we recommend to every surrogate. So I encourage you to anticipate that cost already.

04:16
As always, if you have any further questions, please don’t hesitate to ask. If you need a consultation with an experienced surrogacy psychologist, we can help to arrange that for you too. If you also happen to be chatting with a surrogate, I am happy to help if I can by sharing information for you to pass on to her, or arranging for her to have a chat with me, or another experienced surrogate mentor. I hope this episode has given you some ideas about some action items you can control, in particular,

04:43
starting to consider that list of expenses. As I mentioned, I’ll put a link for that in the show notes. If you’re looking for more support from me one-on-one, register for SASS at surrogacyaustralia.org and think of me as your Siri for surrogacy. If you are enjoying this podcast, I kindly ask that you share it with others or leave a rating or a review wherever you listen to the show. Until next time, welcome to the village.